| ah... it seems i haven't get over it yet... well, when i'm angry... i should use a magic lasso to still the sun so that it will never go down.
To take advantage of the simmering anger in hope that it may do some good, here goes:
The worst thing a counsellor can do:
Is to presuppose a solution before understanding the person's real problem and worse when you suggest your solution that you formed before you understand tbe real problem of the person, and the person refuse to listen or point out that what you say is untrue, you get argumentative and try to force it down the person's throat! Well, i hate this so much it borders and nearly cross over to merit a #%^&! but nevermind that.
What is so sad is that it happens among christian leaders (be it lay leaders or full time pastor) and cousellors.
Really now, i don't think i will have anything further to say on the matter to the counsellor, nor is there anything i deem worthwhile to open up about on that area. i don't expose myself, i dont' tell you and trust you to have you snub me with your ignorant and self-righteous comments regardless how noble your intention how deep is your love and care for me.
sometimes, when the person confess a problem, the counsellor may read too much of himself into the situation and start to use his own approach to deal with the problem based on his past experiences. This will not work as despite as the situation or problem may mirror or be very similar to that of your past expereince, there is no two expereience and person's problem that is identical... then you prattle on how you deal with it without listening to what the person have to say, and without listening there are little chances that you can give sound advices. And the person will also feel that it defeats the purpose of confessing to you in the first place. even if you'd only listen silently or say few words, it would be more helpful i guess than to say something irelevent. Do not be too eager to intruct or too eager to suggest things or too eager to teach. It would be absolutely better if you are quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger (get argumentative or raise your voice or 'lord it over' the person). By being quick to listen, and slow to speak, it will definately raise the person's confidence and respect in you, and often, by really thinking through properlly how you should respond, it may come out better. (Yes, i know you don't mean it, but often the tone you speak it, the way you say it, will let out if you are reading yourself into my situation, or are you actually listening to me and considering, advising based on my situation).
Persupposing, assuming this is the capital sin of any counsellor. If the person has not told you yet, DO NOT ASSUME! Yes, you have experience, yes, you are very wise, yes, you are all that, but nothing gives you the right to assume that each situation is the same. Assumption is the root of many misunderstanding and it is a major stumbling block to communication. Communication is like the heartbeat of a body in counselling, take that out or block it with miscommunication, there is no more counselling to go on. Use, your experience, your intellegence, your annointing or wisdom from above all that to prod yes, but don't overstep and be too sure of things you really don't know. Never answer for the person, you can suggest your assumption and let the person agree or correct it. But if it turns out that the person thinks you have been wrong in your asumption, then it merits further discussion, not your insistence that the person is wrong and you are right. I repeat, DO NOT EVER ASSUME! i won't go back nor would i open up to someone who asuume too much.
Do not throw bible verse too casually on certain disputable matters especially when it has to do with the person's family, vocation or such. Be very sure that what you quote is certainly true, not just your interpretation (sometimes taken out of context). Often people quote too carelessly. Remember, anyone can take a verse out of the bible and justify a view or to convince people by adding God's name based on that verse. Remember that Satan can quote bible verse to tempt Jesus, how much more fallen people like us? Often going hand in hand with this careless quoting is the over generalization which is also a form of assumption. When we assume that all people must be like this, then we quote a verse, but we forget that in reality not all people are like this, and there are exceptions, and your quotation is untrue for the exceptions and that really is a great injustice done to them. Nothing provokes me more than when someone throw me a verse, or question me with a verse without even bother knowing the situation. Give benefit of doubt when you are not sure, ask for clarification, ask the person to express his view and listen and then evaluate and then if yes, then tell the person the verse and instruct the person. And the way you quote very much influence how the person will take it. is it snobbishly, is it self-righetously, is it humbly, do you practice what the verse said, or do you talk and never walk. all these will influence the person's respond. And for those who can't walk the talk, it would be better if you don't quote, or if you do, to also be honest to the person that you did not live up to it. A counsellor who is honest and sincere will always stimulate or encourage the person to open up even more.
Don't be a know-it-all, especially when it comes to personal matters and things pertaining to different vocations. Every trade will have their ethics and need and all such, it will not be good for the counsellor to judge the person based on certain disputable matters. For example, drinking. Indeed it is TRUE that the bible doesn't condemn drinking in itself, but rather drunkeness. When the counsellor insist that drinking is a sin, then he has overstep and added to God's word. God didn't say, he say it or rather assume God says it. Let's say when it is the policy of a local church that the members should abstain from drinking, even that, we have to recongnize that it is the church's standard, not God's standard. and as such so far as freedom in christ is concern, do not judge the person nor make the person feel threathened, as far as it depends on you. Remember, take nudity in art for one. Do NOT be a know-it-all, do not assume that people always have the same motive of doing it, do not assume what is in people's heart. Indeed it might be done to gratify the flesh for some artist, but equally so it can be just for study purpose, ask 3d animation students or practitioners, they might really need to know the anatomy or the muscle structures to do a model and all, i mean it is what their profession requires of them, just as doctor need to see the 'nakedness' of their patients, there is no difference in the spirit of doing it. Yet when a person ASSUME that the artist must be lustful and the doctor have no Choice that you are being judgemental, it is a double standard, a prejudice. Afterall, it has been part of traditional trainning in art for many centuaries, and nudity has appeared on church walls, chapel ceilings and all, but why, DO NOT CALL EVIL what God has not condemned! Yes you can quote, why would Paul ask the people to dress modestly, why God made garment for Adam and Eve after the fall, but just unless that is the debate or discussion your counselling session is for, let it rest. Both side, anyone can always pick up a verse and shout. When you assume that all man will be tempted when looking at naked bodies including artist when they are painting the nudes, again another ASSUMTION! No, not all, maybe some, but as long as there is still 1 artist in the whole wide world and throughout history that is not tempted, then NO, you cannot say that. And if you say that, you are lying! Christians, not only counsellors like to make this kind of assumptions that is only generalized and untruthful. this i has against you. There are so many more possibilities out there, so many kind of people, so many kind of motives, if you are not really sure, don't say, or just say 'you think something is like that'. Make a distiction between eternal truth, temporal truth, or your personal opinion, it will often garner more respect from the person.
Don't be argumentative. It is tiresome when the counsellor try to be crafty or manipulative, it is not how clever you get me to agree with you verbally or on the surface. That is not ministry. Ministry is diffent, it deals with the heart and soul as well as the mind. Arguments alienate, but sincere gentle words may draw the person in, and when he is open and receptive, all the more God can minister to the person through you.
_________
i guess that is enough... just some personal experiences of counselling that i want to share. i not saying that every person whom you counsell to will feel this way, but know that in the world there are people whom you minister to, who absolutely hate these kind of actions or attitude in the counsellor.
On a less bitter and angry note.
I will sign off by saying
Lord forgive me, and i forgive all that these well meaning people has done and offended me and i also pray you fogive me if i have been less than kind to these faithful ones of Yours. Yes, Lord, may You blessed all these wonderful minister of Yours with greater annointing and grace, even give us a heart that is humble, a heart willing to listen, and a heart able to recognize that it is not by our understanding that we minister but by being sensitive to Your Spirit that you can use us, that it is by Your presence in us and by the working of Your Spirit in the lives of those we minister to that a difference is made. Father we confess that real ministry is all about You touching the person who needs a touch from you and not about us trying to impress or anything like that. It it You Lord, it is You who know all things and searches all things, it is only You, O Lord that can make that difference in our lives! Thank you Lord, in Jesus' name.
Cheers :)
God bless everyone! |
